


perihelion

by Marquis_De_Mayhem



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, Nightmares, Self-Worth Issues, Spoilers for Dream SMP Season 2 Finale, and it majorly fucked his image of himself, but theres like. a promise of comfort later?, i have to project onto c!tommy or i'll die, this is at least partially a vent fic, tommy went through a lot of shit during and before exile
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29116599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marquis_De_Mayhem/pseuds/Marquis_De_Mayhem
Summary: Perihelion: the point nearest to the sun in the path of an orbiting celestial body (such as a planet).Or, a retrospective on “What am I without you?” “Yourself.”
Relationships: Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Comments: 11
Kudos: 102





	perihelion

It’s funny, in a sense, that Tommy doesn’t _feel_ like he’s won.

It’s unsurprising that the feeling is hitting him now, when all the adrenaline and excitement and festivity has set with the sun. He remembers the nights in Logsteadshire, when he would curl up under his thin, ratty blanket and let his brain spiral around thoughts of lava and towers and homes that did not love him back for hours on end.

Some things just never change, he guesses. Even when he’s laying in his own bed, staring up at a dark dirt ceiling and imagining the stars that lay just past it, the discs in his ender chest and Tubbo, still blessedly, mercifully _alive_ , arms wrapped around Tommy like a lifeline, even in his sleep.

He nearly lost Tubbo today, and only some choice timing had saved him.

In what way was that a victory?

Tommy brings a hand up to rest gently on the other boy’s head, and thinks of afternoons spent chasing each other through flower forests, marvelling at beehives, and laughing with faces covered in dirt. He thinks of the sparkle in Tubbo’s eyes as he passionately explained some redstone mechanism he had no hope of understanding. 

He thinks of the way that spark had up and vanished today, leaving only dull acceptance in its wake. He thinks of the hollow sound of Tubbo’s voice. His one remaining hope, his sunlight, calmly moving toward the black hole with a gentle smile that does nothing to hide how _terrified_ he is.

He thinks of his best friend’s blood on his sneakers. 

Tommy chooses not to continue down that path, instead stroking the hand on Tubbo’s head through his hair, if only to ignore how it shakes. The brunette hums sleepily, leaning into the touch, and he is reminded of how fiercely he loves this boy, this bright light on his lonely path. How could he help but to love him in all his kindness, his cunning, his bravery? How could Tommy help but to love his Tubbo in his entirety?

Dream had called Tubbo his origin story, like he was nothing more than a footnote of Tommy’s grief, a log for the fire of his twisted games.

How could he not see that Tubbo was the hero?

Tubbo, who took a country doomed by the man who had made it and pulled hope from the ashes. Tubbo, who did more fighting for peace and justice than anyone in that thrice-damned country. Tubbo, who had to watch his hard work go down in flames at the hands of old friends, and who got back up again anyway.

He deserved to live. He deserved to be saved, more than Tommy ever had.

He knows he’s not the only one who thinks so. He’d seen Niki smile at him with something missing in her eyes, and he remembers the way she had looked at the ruined festival, the fury of a woman with everything taken from her time and time again bubbling under the surface. The girl who’d held him close, shared his pain as they took turns changing Tubbo’s bandages was as far gone as the home that had shaped her.

She was there for Tubbo. She wasn’t there for him.

That’s alright, he thinks. He understands. He knows he doesn’t make it easy to love him, and he doesn’t fault the people who decided it wasn’t worth the effort. Even if it does hurt to see them leave. Because eventually, everyone did.

Well, not _everyone_. 

There is someone holding onto him like the only anchor in a raging sea, and he seems to think that he’s a pawn.

He doubts he’ll ever be able to forget it. Some words, when spoken, rankle under the skin of history and spread themselves like a merciless poison. 

These words don’t have the same legacy as the treacherous siren song of _it was never meant to be_ , but he knows they’ll haunt him all the same. How could they not? Tommy stands in a blackstone room thinking of lava and towers, cliff faces and not recognizing the person in the reflection of his axe and he chokes out, “What am I without you?”

The silence is deafening, but Tubbo defeatedly murmurs, “Yourself,” and it’s suddenly so much worse.

Himself.

Did Tubbo know what a wretched existence that would be?

Just himself.

That was the person who started this whole war, had nearly killed his best friend for two miserable pieces of vinyl. That was the person who griefed and killed and tore apart the earth under his feet, and felt nothing about it.

That was the person he had been while in exile. Alone and pitiful, setting all his relationships on fire to feel a semblance of warmth.

“Just Tommy” was someone who was missing a piece of himself. A piece that made everything better, and without it, the world would be dull and gray and devoid of life.

Tommy isn’t stupid. He knows the way people refer to them, Tommy and Tubbo, Tubbo and Tommy, like two halves of a whole. _If you’re looking for one, just find the other,_ they tell each other, and it makes him _sick_ to think about how many times Dream has tried to take that away from them. It’s cruel beyond any sort of logic or reason. Do you deprive a starving man of food, just to watch him waste away? 

How could Dream separate Tommy from Tubbo and expect anything but a husk?

Playing with his food, indeed.

He’s dragged away from the thought as Tubbo shifts suddenly in his arms, fists clenching at the back of his shirt and head burrowing into his chest. Tommy can feel tears soak into the fabric, and he can hear the faint keening coming from the smaller boy. 

Tommy doesn’t know how to be a lighthouse, and if he did, he’s long since forgotten, but Tubbo needs comfort right now. And so he wraps his arms tighter around him, praying silently to whatever out there has the power to hear him that they don’t feel like concrete boxing him in or firework stars searing his skin or the blade of an axe pressed up against his neck. 

Tubbo shakes in his arms, all the while not daring to let go, and it solidifies something in Tommy, a certain resolve.

Once, lifetimes ago, someone had taught him about the stars. Tommy would point up at something or ask a question, and they would laugh and tell him something new, expanding his world a little further.

He remembers them telling him about the extreme points of the world's orbit around the sun. Aphelion was the point farthest away, and perihelion was the closest. 

“Any closer to the sun and you’d be Icarus,” they’d chuckled, and Tommy had laughed and asked to hear the story one more time.

Tubbo is the hero. Tommy is the sidekick in orbit around him. He’d told him as much. And feeling the way he trembles, Tommy decides that he’ll take it. He’ll remain here, walking the line between perihelion and Icarus, and he’ll keep his Tubbo safe.

Maybe one day, if it doesn’t burn him first, they’ll become a binary system.

**Author's Note:**

> first dream smp fic lets gooooooooo
> 
> the finale absolutely BROKE me i have been thinking about that scene for goddamn forever girl HELP im hyperfixating on the block men. so i wrote [checks doc] 1.2k words about it over several late nights while crying to my playlist. here you go i physically can't look at it any longer
> 
> reminder to please take care of yourself!!! you are loved and cared for and you deserve to be loved and cared for <3


End file.
